one final note.

Sitting here with all of my thank you cards written out, City Project is coming to that final note.  It took me about a week and a half to write out all of these thank you cards (partially because of my laziness), but that's amazing.  I have so many people to thank for supporting me this summer.  If we just rewind to the beginning of this journey in February or March, I remember thinking that I didn't have anybody to contact, and here I am writing out so many thank you cards I want to complain about writing.  And yet God reminds me how grateful I should be and through it again, I realize once more of a theme that has been recurrent during my journey through City Project:

God loves me.

It's so simple, but so sweet and revolutionary every time I realize it.

God loves me.  He loves me even though I'm broken.  He loves me enough to tear down my idols because He wants me to just worship Him.  He loves me enough to strip down my pride so I can depend on Him.  He loves me enough to affirm me through others of my gifts.  He loves me so much that in every single way possible, I can recognize Him.  And this is love...because as John Piper said God isn't being selfish when He points you back to Him because God is the only one who can fill me and affirm and comfort me.  He is all that I need.

City Project 2012 has been amazing.  More than amazing.  I learned how to swing dance.  I ate my first made-from-scratch lasagna.  I shared the Gospel (by God's strength) to someone who had never heard it.  I was asked to be best friends with girls who didn't even know me.  I was held and prayed over by nine other girls as I confessed my sins.  I was told I was beautiful in a foreign country.  I saw a sunrise in Africa while listening to "Circle of Life."  And so much more...

And even when it ended, God still has been teaching me so much.  Even recently, I cried when falling asleep because I felt like I had failed.  I felt like I had failed because I thought I had to be this better Christian when I cam back, but I was struggling just as much.  I didn't spend hours and hours in devotions or my hours watcing shows didn't drastically decrease.  But, God whispered to me that maybe it wasn't me becoming this better Christian, but it was more about how I needed Him desperately.  I still need Him even though He's taught me so much.  I thought going through this missions made me a more independent Christian, but really, my eyes have been opened to my greater need of desperatley and willingly clinging onto our Father.  And in that moment, when I realized that...I felt so free.  The burdens of expectations and change I thought I had to see in my life were gone because...it's more freeing to realize that we need to rely on God than it is to try to live on our own.

And that I realize as I'm typing up now is another way for God to remind us that He loves us.  We need Him, and as our eyes are opened to see how much we need Him, as my friend reminded us on the last day of City Project, that's grace too.  God didn't have to open our eyes, but He did because He wanted us to know Him.  And by knowing Him, that's our everything. He is my everything.

And I don't get this truth every moment, and that's okay because God is pursuing me.  I freely admit I need God so much in my life.  I am truly lost without my Savior.

With Him, I am Found.  I am Free.  I am Loved.

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by him we cry, " Abba Father." Romans 8:15.

Goodbye City Project 2012.

All my fountains are in you

I remember there was a point when we were walking through a village that I realized I was staring at my shoes.  I was staring at the white tops of my gray converses, and watching the sand rise up with every step I took.

Why wasn't I looking up?  Because I didn't want to.

A part of me (and I guess the overwhelming part of me) didn't want to see the bare feet of the children, the ditches by the side of the street for their sewage, the red and green shops where the moms were carrying their babies on their backs. I didn't want to face real world truth.  I was scared of my perspective changing.  I was scared of change.  But, that was so silly.  God knew what He was doing when He brought me there.  I was here for a reason, and to learn.  So, pushing my head up, I saw... Smiles.  Giggles.  Held hands. Laughter.  Conversations.  Life.  Joy.

The families that we stayed with in Jikaze had run away from post-election violence in 2008.  They had nothing.  Some families had to leave jobs that had provided for their families.  The babies that we visited at the orphanage had been abandoned by their families here on Earth because of different circumstances.  The women we visited through the AIDS organization had failing health.

Wealth.  Family.  Health.  had been stripped away.  Things I use to define my happiness, and these people didn't have it.  And yet, they had a joy.  A joy that was untouched by their circumstances.  A joy that set them...free.

Living with Esther I saw and felt this joy.  Joy in giving, joy in working.   We had just gotten back from eating lunch on the bus.  And as we were coming in,we smell garlic and fried vegetables.  Esther tells us, "Sit. Sit."  She brings out in various colored bowl ugali. I remember my bowl being a light blue plastic bowl. On one side of the bowl is a slab of solidified rice that fills us at least half of the bowl and next to it her sauteed greens.  I remember at this point, I was concered and soley thinking of how I would be able to finish it that I wouldn't remember until later how much of her own family's food she had just offered to three strangers.  We were strangers and yet she still gave.   I asked her multiple times throughout those two weeks:  "Esther, what is your favorite thing to do here?"  She said, "Work.  I like to work."  And then she laughed.

Esther had run away from her previous village and had completely had to start over, but she was so grateful to be here.  She wasn't mad, she was just grateful to God.  Grateful.

That was Kenya for me.  I re-learned joy.  My eyes were opened to see that joy, true joy, is not based on circumstances.  It's really not.  It's found in Jesus.  They didn't say it neccessarily with words, but with their lives.

We visited a woman through the Care for Aids ministry.  She is HIV+ and when asked what her favorite verse or passage in the Bible, she recited Psalms 23.

The Lord is my shepard, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no eveil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Her manna, her life was founded on this Psalm.

And that's the freeing joy.

a longer commercial break.

City Project officially ended yesterday. which. is crazy.  And we came back from Kenya last Saturday, so exactly a week ago.

A week ago, I was in Kenya. crazy.

I wish I could post all that I learned, but honestly I'm still processing things.  (And being a bit lazy...Sorry!)  I promise I'll be back with posts about Kenya and the end.  Just a longer commercial break than I thought.

will be back.

a training field for me.

"Yeah, at night we hear gun noises."

Speaking to a group of kids at a Salvation Army camp: "Give me an example of sin."

"Selling drugs." shouts a five year old whose torquoise rimmed frames take up half her petite face.

These conversations made my "reading" world collide with reality.  I had only read about children who grew up in these broken movies, but to meet and interact and receive love from children whose lives are impacted by drugs, shootings, etc, was eye-opening. and. humbling.  I went into these projects thinking that I had so much to give, and I would only give, but instead, I received so much love.  As soon as we got to the first one, girls came and asked if I could be their best friend.

And with that, comes the realization for me that the quotes above do not at all represent everything.  It does not capture the innocent love that has been preserved in their hearts.  their eagerness for your love.  their desire to be held.  and their love and care for each other.  their intelligence.  their beauty.  I had to learn that they are more than just these tragic stories.  God loves them and His love shines through.

I was beyond humbled working with these children.  They were days when I didn't want to go, didn't want to teach.  I just wanted to sleep.  But everytime I went, the kids were never sick of me.  They were excited to see me.  To play with me.  They gave a better depiction of Jesus than me.  And how beautiful is their childlike faith and love? :)  And I had even gone in judging that these kids would not really understand the Gospel, but was I ever wrong.  They do believe and understand, and ask hard questions.  God speaks to His children.

"Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."-Matthew 19:14

Being humbled at internships, classes, and my developing relationships, it's so easy to fall back into just looking at the badness of me.  Praise God that that is not the end of the story.  God will not let me stay in an area of condemnation.  This past week I had been feeling so condemned, and even though God tried to speak to me, I did not believe in the promise He had for me.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"-Romans 8:1.

But, today worshiping at our house with City Project students, God spoke through our friend here.  He let me know that I am loved.  That He has overcome all my sin and He has called me to be free.  How great is His love that He pursues me.  We had to teach the story of the Shepard and the Lost Sheep.  How great is our God that He makes that story so alive in my life.  Though I wanted to believe in me, God points and pursues me so that I will fall in love with Him.  Ahh!  God is so incredibly good.  How great is it that I am able to say that none that I have done, but it is all God's glory?  That that desire is free my flesh and pride, but that I am able to truly rejoice that God can receive all the glory though me?  Praise God!  And even more so, that God has changed my heart so that is what I desire.  I definitely was not there, and how far God has brought me.  Praise our Lord!

The three weeks in Durham were the part that I did not expect much from.  I didn't understand why we had to be there for so long.  Praise God that He is soveriegn.  He knew that this would be where He stripped me, but built me back up rooted in Him.  He knew that this is where I would recieve affirmation of His love and joy for me.  He fulfilled desires in my heart that I had even given up on such as the recieiving love and being included in families.  I least expected to find it at Summit Churc, and yet I have been invited into families through City Project.  Praise God that He remembers our desires even though we have forgotten and given up.

How Great is Our God.  God is truly great.  God is truly amazing.

God is continuously showing me the depth and power of these truths which is founded in the Gospel.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."-Romans 8:1

He died for me even though I didn't even know I needed to be saved.  And He rose again defeating all condemnation, sin, guilt, and calls me and desires for me to joyfully rest in Him.  And He pursues me relentlessly.

"Oh, how He loves, yeah, He loves us Oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves us Oh, how He loves"-How He Loves

Yes.  Let us repeat and soak in that truth.  God, may I soak in that truth and may my life be a billboard of that truth for your other children especially as our team travels to Kenya tomorrow.  God, may your Gospel be the billboard for all of us as we all go to our international locations: Taiwain, Serbia and Kenya.  God, let us go and raise your banner in those areas.  Thank you for allowing us to be the ambassadors to your beloved children.

And thank you that I am your beloved loved forgiven desired daughter. princess. child.

a very belated blog post.

a picture of the girls that I live with except one at Brooklyn, NY:

I wish I could blame my lack of internet for the lateness and absence of blog posts, but I know that it's my procrastination and laziness. :/

It's crazy to think that in skipping two blog posts (since I have tried to make my blog posts at City Project weekly), I am already halfway done with this Project.

God has been incredibly good.  More than I imagined.  More than I can say.  And probably more than I even know right now.  A recurring theme for me throughout City Project seems to be a saying of "It's really really hard, but it's really good."  God has constantly been showing me where I lack.  He has shown me my weaknesses.  He is showing me my shortcomings. Sometimes, He uses the experience itself to show me my weaknesses or He uses other people to show me mine.  And frankly, this process hurts. a. lot.  It hurts to the point where I want to not recieve these teachings from God, and want to just lower other people (my way is by gossipping). Even that, is my pride.  But, praise God because there is grace.  Grace is not a mere idea, but it is a huge band-aid for this hurt.  At the same time it's more than a band-aid because it's not just a cover-up for the hurt, but it reminds me that grace has already covered it!  When I stand before God, I am completley righteous because of Jesus.

In New York City, God showed me my pride and my lack of compassion for His people.  We were to evangelize to others, particuarly Muslims for a week.  For me, because God has given me an outgoing personality, it's easy to go talk to people without much effort.  Others, however, struggled to share because they may have been shy or it's hard to go start conversations with strangers.  They were so frustrated at themselves because their hearts yearned to share.  Their hearts were broken to share.  And here I was just doing it to do it.  To place another check on my check-list of how I am a great Christian.  With this and throughout the week, God showed me my pride and the brokeness of me.  But, through it, He showed me His love.  The greatness of His love.  He knows me including my brokenness and He still chose me.

Then the centrality of the story becomes not about my brokenness, but the largeness of God's love for me.  Christ loves me so much that He saw all of this and still chose me.

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life."-Romans 5:8-10

Now, this becomes very real.  All that I am able to do now for Christ does not come from me, but comes from Christ because me, by myself, am a very broken person.  And so now God is bringing me to a place where I'll be able to say...

"Therefore, I will boast all the more more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me....For when I am weak, then I am strong."-2nd Corinthians 12:9-10

the first few steps...

were scary.
were exciting.
are powerful.
are humbling.
are God-led.
are reflections of His love.
will be remembered as indicators what was to come.

Psalms 139: 1-4
"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.  Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether."

Matthew 18:20: "For when two or three gathered in my name, for am I there with them"

It is only day four in City Project, yet God has met with me in such intimate and great ways already.  Words are unable to express the intimacy and powerful ways God has met with me.  He has humbled me beyond what I imagined, He has shown me that He knows my innermost thoughts, He has loved me more than I could ever imagine.  I wasn't able to pray to ask for brokenness except for about twice, but my Spirit yearned to just break me so I could experience more of God's love.  I couldn't pray fervently even when I asked, so I asked others to pray.

And God answered.

On the second night, as God led me to share a sin with the girls in my house (who I only knew for two days...that's how you know that it's the Spirit!), they all laid their hands with me and joined me in battle against my sin.  They declared God's righteousness and power over my life.  And it has worked and is working.  Wow.  God is good.  And it leaves our girls so much more expectant of what is to come.  Not only that, He had heard my desire.  I was able to experience so much more of His love when He broke me in front of these girls.

I am broken.  But I am washed. I am sanctified.  I am justified.  Because Christ died for me.  (1st Corinthians 6:11)

God has just been so good to me during this trip.  Meeting the other participants and being able to live with some of them keeps humbling me.  I came in thinking that I was  top tier 'prayerer', but receiving prayer from girls who I thought I was better in prayer with humbled me greatly.  This only makes me lean on God's grace.

Thank you God!  He is so good and so willing to come because He is so willing to love us.  He wants us to experience His blessings and providence.

We have limited internet access at our house (which is also another blessing because it allows us to focus on God), so I don't know if I'll be able to update very frequently,.  Please continue to keep praying for me and our team!  We're heading to New York tomorrow to evangelize to Muslim community there.  Pray for great movements of God! :)

a finish line.

wow.  I sit at my laptop utterly amazed.  With the promised support, I have reached the goal of $4500.  Even with the financial support I have right now, I have $4470, and with the promised, I'll have $4670.

He knew that I had to also pay for shots, so He is providing.

At the start, I was so worried, but now I stand at the finish line.

Amazed by His love.
Amazed.
Humbled.
Our God is most definitely able.
He is able.
Able.

"In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of is glory." -Ephesians 13-14

This is my identity.

This is my truth.